再生的

That day, when I woke up, I read his text message asking me not to work and go to the hospital so that I can accompany him in taking care of our special patient. Before I went to the office that day, I called him to ask if he still wants me to go to the hospital that morning instead of working. He refused and said that I can go ahead and work that day. 9 hours passed for work and I hurriedly went to the hospital afterwards because he asked me to.

The moment I arrived, he just gave me a hug and said nothing. I asked why, I received not a single word…

Every single thing that happened after that is kept in my heart, in our hearts and only us know what there were even a day after that…

“I love you, we love you. We miss you so bad but you most deserve all there is that you have now…”

Gratitude to my parents who selflessly worked hard, had sleepless nights, insufficient rest, so I could finish my degree; to my brother and sister who sacrificed their own needs to give way to mine; to my uncles and aunts who even with hesitation, contributed to what I have achieved today; to my friends who tirelessly understood and comforted me when I had nothing but nothing alone; to Patrick’s family especially his mom and dad, who without them I could have not graduated; to Patrick Jospeh who made great sacrifices to make me whole every time I break in to pieces; and to God almighty who never abandoned me in times of despair and lack of faith even…

Joshua Daclan was right–yesterday was a vision, now a reality… And things do not stop here, they are actually just starting because great things still lie ahead. This time, no more giving up, no more doubts, just optimism, hope, courage, and passion to achieve, to succeed. I have my family, my friends, my Creator, my PJ beside me… I just need myself to get going, share visions to people I will encounter, lend a helping hand to those in need, and go straight to where I am destined to be, to where my Creator leads me…

I am always vulnerable but no tornado could stop me on the way. I have the greatest armor a human being could ever have–Love, genuine Love…

Integrity -   is the basing of one’s actions on an internally consistent framework of  principles. Depth of principles and adherence of each level to the next are key
determining factors. One is said to have integrity to the extent that
everything one does and believes is based on the same core set of
values. While those values may change, it is their consistency with
each other and with the person’s actions that determine the person’s
integrity.

Integrity (honesty) tests seek to find out which persons are more
likely to hide negative or derogatory events from their past (as doing prison time, getting psychiatric treatment, alcohol
problems, etc.) or are likely to cause trouble for the employer. These
tests are based on certain assumptions, namely that such persons report
more dishonest behavior, they try to find reasons in order to justify
such behavior, they think others are likely to commit crimes (like
theft or so), they are impulsive and are more likely to think that deviant behavior has to be severely punished.

The pretension of such tests to detect fake answers is crucial in
this respect, because the naive really believe such outright lie and
behave accordingly, reporting their past deviance because they fear
that it may otherwise be detected from their answers.

www.wikipedia.com

It’s been quite a while since I have been saying my thoughts… I guess I have been so passive, or tired enough of the hoops and loops that had happened lately. Most of the time I stand firm but there are times that i can’t but be vulnerable of the pangs of human nature and wrong and stupid choices made by people who can’t get enough of their life!

I always have this initial respect for people of good education and assumed values. A friend once said, "They say respect should be earned… Why can’t it be the starting point and not the goal?" It is because most people get their respect thru their status quo ante. They even assume to earn the respect earned by their parents because of good economic standing and educational background, and even influence! That is so damn ridiculous!

I always lead a humble life because of the fact that I was born in a province where majority of the people were born below poverty line. I am and will never be ashamed of where I came from. What I don’t understand about some poeple is their guts to boast of the things that they have not worked hard for. The nerve! Keep your folks’ money, I don’t need that. I can earn that myself in due time. Keep your brain well too, you actually have not been using that lately…

Rich and intelligent people with enough or abundant support systems are expected to be happy but reality hurts that they are actually not. Why? Because most of the time, what they desire so much belongs to the unrecognized, inferior-regarded individuals…

"Don’t you dare try to destroy happy and contented people because you might just get some good embarrassment."

Every year are new resolutions we often fail to fulfill. As for me, I have some i seriously wish to accomplish. It’s year 20.07, almost 2 years after that day he left my life half broken, my heart half alive, and my breath half distinct. I did not know what direction to take and perspective to hold on to. I was so dependent on him that I never thought someone will be capable of separating us. He gave up first and I think it’s about time I give justice to myself. I may not find happiness with someone better, I know I can find it by loving myself before i could be able to do so to others. I have hurt people because of my so indistinct personality and I do not want it to happen again… It’s my year and I’m taking it. For those people I have hurt, I am asking for forgiveness. This is especially for my best friend who has been there for me through life’s black n white and yet I fail to give the love he deserves. Now he has found it with someone so much better than me. I cannot blame him, he deserves to be happy. I am letting him free the way I am letting n***o* go… "Be happy even if it is with someone else." That Christmas vacation I just had taught me a lot of lessons I was passive about the past few years. But now, I am taking them one by one so I could find the true happiness I have always been searching for… Marc, thank you because despite everything you still show me incomparable and sincere love… To those people who considered me family and to my real family, thank you because you shape a life and personality I hardly deserve. You make me complete despite the imperfections. To sia, with all my heart… It’s about time to fix my life shattered by a lot of wrong decisions and undesirable experiences. I don’t find anything wrong with a change of heart. It is all about taking risks anyway because those who do not, are real cowards……

When I opened my profile today i saw 106 views? I said, how come? This is the first time that a number of people viewed my profile in a matter of like 19 days. I then wondered what made them interested to do such. Is it the mysterious picture? the famous Zhang Zi Yi? or whatever?! Maybe that pic… Well it’s what makes my profile a profile anyway and whether it makes them curious or not is not my concern anymore. I just love having it as a part of who i am. I actually realized lately that no matter how much fate leads me to a curve that may somehow bring me to a different view, it just ends up to one and same choie i had…

Well enough of this, i’m just glad that a few are somehow interested?? to sneak in my man-made profile.

I just arrived in makati from our OBW duty in Rizal and I’m so tired, and yet here I am flicking these keyboard tabs to write something. I do not hate this day yet I hate some of the people I’ve been with today. L*ntek, some of my group mates are teasing me and C****d, "lovers in Harvard"??? Naknamp… Anyway, I am not reacting that much infront of them because I know, the more they’ll just be teasing me and him. Pathetic… They just don’t know who I am waiting for, a person far more than the guy they are matching me with. What’s wrong with being close to each other and confiding about the relationships we’ve been through? They are just so immature. I pity their attitude. Tsk tsk tsk.

Another thing, I feel so tired and yet so happy just tonight because of a few reasons I cannot ignore — weird stuff, feelings, but valuable memories. I can’t help but smile, be releived after a long day. Am i inspired or what? Hmmm… Weird, really wierd… And yet I miss rotsen nai….so bad… It’s been a year and 36 days since that night he told me the words that changed my entire life, promises that I know, will still be changing me and my life forever. Sh*t, corny sa’kon… "Ok lng, tuod man ya." — one of the lines I constantly borrow from him. God I miss the man who crossed that river just to get through me, dig in deep in to the person that I really am. No one knows but us and the stars… Here I go again. Hoping for nothing??? I don’t think so, and I don’t feel so. Hehehe.

Enough of these, I guess I just need some rest.

surprises everyday eh? well, people make their choices, break their faces, create races. nonsense belbel. just got surprised of the things i have not been hearing and sensing somewhere there. but then i guess, i have no choice but to get riddled and eventually support them…? enough of that.

recently, i found a very special person enclosed in his shell like someone i know in the past. such an interesting personality. actually he is an old friend. odd. old, because i want us to renew the past friendship. i am missing his weird ideas and all. *smile* i just wish my move to relive the picture in the high school days will pay off.

i ah… heard a lot from back home. last night i was on duty when i received a message from a friend saying that she is currently one of the audience of a person very special to my damn martyr??? heart. i envied the scene, but i had nothing to do, and in fact cannot do anything. well, that’s life. hope patience wins it all beyond the finish line.

but then again, i am more interested to that odd, weird, old friend i have.

Life starts at twenty. Big deal. Yeah. I came, I saw, I conquered, for a while, and then lost it forever. I just lost my life. So precious it was i allowed it to fade. So precious I was, now the exact opposite. Give me a word worst than -worst-, I’ll take it, it describes me, it embraces my personality.

You gave me -life-. You alone can bring it back. What do you expect? I’ll drop my sword and abandon what I have been fighting for? Tell it to my eyes, shout it with your actions. Only then will I undress my armor, give up the fight and live in solitude. I’d rather be alone in this norms-centered world than spin with it knowing you’re not here, where it all started. Where is that soul so real, so in depth, discreet and sincere? Help me find it, help me lead it back. Here, where the rainbow shines with colors, where hearts very well misunderstood met and made a difference.

Forgive me. I refuse to concede. My life has been lost, forever shall it be without you back, to where it all began.

God, i miss him… even after everything, i still love him, much even more now.. Why? Why do i feel this way?

Everything’s so vague. the last time we talked, we were very ok but after that, everything totally changed. What have i done wrong? Did i say anything that offended him, or his family? i have no idea, really. He’s not said a word after that call. God knows i did everything to help him. im not asking for anything in return for that, but i just hope n pray he will tell me what’s wrong. I feel like crying, d ko alam ggwin. hirap, sobra.

He knows how open i am. i will uderstand anything about him, even if it would mean him loving someone else. God, i will! the way i accepted everything about his personality. but now, i do not anymore know what’s happening. i don’t think i deserve this.. God, give me strength, i feel so helpless.

*****r, where are you? you know that half my strength comes from you..